This week's UK TV & radio

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Listings for Paramount on Monday, May 20 2013

06:00Teleshopping Teleshopping. 
08:00Two And A Half Men Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak Alarm bells ring when Alan talks Charlie and their mother into lending him money to expand his practice. Charlie and Rose continue their secret affair. 
08:30Two And A Half Men That Darn Priest Alan starts to feel guilty about conning his family and friends, and he and Rose come to an agreement over their respective secrets. Charlie Sheen's last ever episode. 
09:00Two And A Half Men Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt It's a tearful goodbye for Charlie Harper as some familiar faces show up to bid adieu, and a watery hello to internet billionaire Walden Schmidt (Ashton Kutcher). 
09:30Friends The One Where It All Began After Rachel leaves her fiancé at the altar, she moves in with Monica and finds that life isn't so easy without Daddy's credit cards. 
10:00Friends The One With The Sonogram At The End Ross's lesbian ex-wife is pregnant with his child, and he doesn't like her choice of a last name for the baby. 
10:30Friends The One With The Thumb A soda company gives Phoebe $7,000 after she finds a dismembered thumb in a can of soda. Meanwhile, Chandler is smoking again, to his friends' dismay. 
11:00Two And A Half Men Working for Caligula In this season 4 opener, it's been three months since Alan and Kandi's wedding, and divorce has already destroyed poor old Alan - who can Charlie call to help him out of his rut? 
11:30Two And A Half Men Who's Vod Kanockers? Alan feels guilty when Charlie reveals that he was part of the reason that he split from Mia. The Harper brother must also deal with a noisy neighbour named Steven Tyler. 
12:00New Whitney Lance! Brand new and exclusive. Roxanne's ex, Lance, re-appears on the scene and Whitney is less than impressed. Alex, on the other hand, is excited that his 'boyfriend' is back! 
12:30Friends The One Where It All Began After Rachel leaves her fiancé at the altar, she moves in with Monica and finds that life isn't so easy without Daddy's credit cards. 
13:00Friends The One With The Sonogram At The End Ross's lesbian ex-wife is pregnant with his child, and he doesn't like her choice of a last name for the baby. 
13:30Friends The One With The Thumb A soda company gives Phoebe $7,000 after she finds a dismembered thumb in a can of soda. Meanwhile, Chandler is smoking again, to his friends' dismay. 
14:00Two And A Half Men Santa's Village Of The Damned Alan's latest girlfriend turns out to be a great cook and starts fattening up the boys, all the while establishing a nest in their home and slowly taking over the house. 
14:30Two And A Half Men That Special Tug Alan becomes convinced that Jake doesn't want to spend any time with him and ends up having an emotional breakdown - leading Charlie to see his own therapist to get advice for Alan! 
15:00New Whitney Lance! Brand new and exclusive. Roxanne's ex, Lance, re-appears on the scene and Whitney is less than impressed. Alex, on the other hand, is excited that his 'boyfriend' is back! 
15:30Two And A Half Men Working for Caligula In this season 4 opener, it's been three months since Alan and Kandi's wedding, and divorce has already destroyed poor old Alan - who can Charlie call to help him out of his rut? 
16:00Two And A Half Men Who's Vod Kanockers? Alan feels guilty when Charlie reveals that he was part of the reason that he split from Mia. The Harper brother must also deal with a noisy neighbour named Steven Tyler. 
16:30Friends The One With The Baby Shower During her baby shower Rachel has the realization that she is totally unprepared to care for a baby, sparking her mother's offer to move in with Ross and her. 
17:00Friends The One With The Cooking Class Monica's cooking skills get a bad review in a newspaper. After confronting the critic who wrote it, she decides to join a cooking class, with Joey in tow. 
17:30Friends The One Where Rachel Is Late When Rachel's pregnancy goes beyond her due date, the pain makes Rachel increasingly irritable. Meanwhile, Chandler falls asleep at Joey's movie premiere. 
18:00Two And A Half Men Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak Alarm bells ring when Alan talks Charlie and their mother into lending him money to expand his practice. Charlie and Rose continue their secret affair. 
18:30Two And A Half Men That Darn Priest Alan starts to feel guilty about conning his family and friends, and he and Rose come to an agreement over their respective secrets. Charlie Sheen's last ever episode. 
19:00New Two And A Half Men My Bodacious Vidalia Brand new and exclusive. Alan is still down in the dumps after his split from Lyndsey, so Walden decides it's 'makeover' time - with interesting results... Ashton Kutcher stars. 
19:30Friends The One With The Baby Shower During her baby shower Rachel has the realization that she is totally unprepared to care for a baby, sparking her mother's offer to move in with Ross and her. 
20:00Friends The One With The Cooking Class Monica's cooking skills get a bad review in a newspaper. After confronting the critic who wrote it, she decides to join a cooking class, with Joey in tow. 
20:30Friends The One Where Rachel Is Late When Rachel's pregnancy goes beyond her due date, the pain makes Rachel increasingly irritable. Meanwhile, Chandler falls asleep at Joey's movie premiere. 
21:00New Two And A Half Men Brand new and exclusive to Comedy Central. Walden, Alan and Jake return in another episode of the hit US comedy Two and a Half Men. Starring Ashton Kutcher. 
21:30New Mike & Molly School Recital Brand new and exclusive. Molly starts to get impatient with her lack of impregnation. Meanwhile, Vince has a tasty business opportunity for Mike - will he bite? 
22:00Live At The Apollo From the world famous Hammersmith Apollo comes this hilarious stand-up comedy show, hosted by Welsh funnyman Rhod Gilbert, who welcomes Liverpool comedian, John Bishop, to centre stage. 
23:00Two And A Half Men Working for Caligula In this season 4 opener, it's been three months since Alan and Kandi's wedding, and divorce has already destroyed poor old Alan - who can Charlie call to help him out of his rut? 
23:30Two And A Half Men Who's Vod Kanockers? Alan feels guilty when Charlie reveals that he was part of the reason that he split from Mia. The Harper brother must also deal with a noisy neighbour named Steven Tyler. 
00:00South Park Asspen When the boys go on a ski vacation with their parents, it's '80s-teen-movie central as Stan is challenged to a ski race by a professional skier named Tad. Only a "montage" can help Stan now! 
00:30South Park Freak Strike The boys decide to create a 'freak' in order to win a prize on a TV show - will Butter's case of "Chinballalitis" be enough to win? And will he be discovered by the freaks union? 
01:00Friends The One Where It All Began After Rachel leaves her fiancé at the altar, she moves in with Monica and finds that life isn't so easy without Daddy's credit cards. 
01:30Friends The One With The Sonogram At The End Ross's lesbian ex-wife is pregnant with his child, and he doesn't like her choice of a last name for the baby. 
02:00South Park Asspen When the boys go on a ski vacation with their parents, it's '80s-teen-movie central as Stan is challenged to a ski race by a professional skier named Tad. Only a "montage" can help Stan now! 
02:30South Park Freak Strike The boys decide to create a 'freak' in order to win a prize on a TV show - will Butter's case of "Chinballalitis" be enough to win? And will he be discovered by the freaks union? 
02:55The King Of Queens Swim Neighbours A hurricane destroys the backyards of the Hefferenans and the Sackskys. Carrie doesn't like the idea of a combined backyard, but their neighbours have other plans... 
03:20The King Of Queens S'no Job Doug is pressured into getting his cousin a job but doesn't want him working at IPS. Meanwhile, Arthur fills out audience comment cards on a new movie. 
03:45Frasier Out With Dad Accompanying Frasier to the opera, Martin pretends to be gay so as to get out of a date. But if he thought that would be that, he has another thing coming! 
04:10Everybody Loves Raymond Ray Home Alone When Debra and the kids go away for the weekend, Ray is forced to confront the real reason he doesn't want to stay home alone. 
04:35Everybody Loves Raymond Big Shots Ray uses his "weight" as a sports writer for Newsday to jump to the front of the line to meet the members of the '69 Miracle New York Mets. 
05:00Teleshopping Teleshopping. 
06:00Teleshopping Teleshopping.